Boring People
I suppose I’d like to approach this topic from two sides, both the adjective and the verb meanings of “boring people”. For clarity, this isn’t about people who make holes; this is about “boring” in the sense of being uninteresting (adjective) or causing disinterest (verb). What I mean by approaching this from two sides is from the perspective of someone being bored as well as the perspective of someone causing boredom. I’ll start with the first.
Being bored is an experience everyone has had at some point in their lives. It’s typically an explicit, vocalized experience in childhood, and in adulthood an internal, quiet experience thanks to learned and developed practices of inhibition and manners. From my own experience, being bored was rarely the case of not having something interesting to do but rather being in a situation that prevented me from engaging in the interesting things I wanted to do. I frequently associated family get-togethers with being bored because I had to put away my video games and toys I liked playing with or the shows and movies I liked watching in order to be largely ignored by people who I didn’t care about for a couple hours. Of course, situations of boredom in childhood are productive learning environments for the child to adapt and learn what to do when there isn’t an easy, obvious thing—I learned of the few family members who had potential to be mildly interesting to approach and interact with, and I learned that pretending to need to use the bathroom allowed me several minutes of time to sneak to my room and look at Pokémon cards.
Anyway, situations themselves aren’t usually the reason (i.e., constraint) that causes people to be bored—rather, other people are the reason. And I don’t mean the parent who “forces” you to attend the family get-together in childhood or the social obligations that “force” you to remain at a party in adulthood. I mean the people in the given situation present significantly limited interest or appeal in interactions and thus lead you to be bored. For me, as a child, it was listening to the adults talk about jobs which involved foreign and far-off obligations I was averse to—yuck. For me, as an adult, it was listening to other adults talk about jobs which involved too-familiar, ever-present obligations I didn’t need to spend my off-hours thinking about further—yuck. Everyone has their unique interests, and there’s a time and place something of disinterest becomes something of interest and vice versa, but job talk is more often than not the topic that disinterests me; yet, jobs are what most people are comfortable talking about so they often talk about jobs and often have little to say outside of jobs.
Now, there is significant blame to place on another who presents limited interest, but an uncomfortable truth is that there is also (typically) personal blame when an interaction results in boredom. If a person in a given situation starts asking questions about my job, rather than becoming passive and letting them guide the interaction in a direction that tends to lead me to being bored I’d give something appropriately responsive to what they’re expecting while communicating my disinterest (often indirectly, perhaps my tone is lukewarm or my response is breezy) and redirect to tangential topics that I find interesting (e.g., I work with students so I’d pose questions about their thoughts of minors using phones or social media). Interactions are dependent on at least two people, after all; if one is bored/boring, the other likely will be bored/boring. This could be a chicken and the egg situation: if you’re not trying to provide something of interest in an interaction, maybe the person who is boring isn’t the one talking to you but you, yourself.
…Which brings us to the perspective of a person who is causing boredom. I very much doubt this is intentional as it’s awkward, embarrassing, and potentially ostracizing to cause others to be bored. People generally want to be liked. Going back to the example of being a child at a family get-together, I can very much see why I was largely ignored—I had little-to-no input for adult topics like job talk, and so I posed little interest for the adults in the situation. I wasn’t intending to bore them, but I also lacked care to be interesting to them. Let them be bored by me, I thought, they bore me, after all. This is a fine and dandy mindset to an extent, to live and let live. Where that extent ends is where you feel or act with no responsibility for your actions that involve others. If you’re talking with someone who nonverbally or verbally communicates they’re getting bored (maybe their eyes glaze over or they talk about something else) and you ignore or dismiss the signs, that’s on you. They have chosen to engage in an interaction with you, and you with them. Your obliviousness or apathy is actively causing this person boredom.
There is something to be said of didactic, argumentative, or persuasive interactions that seek to change what someone thinks or feels. The appropriateness (i.e., good vs. bad) of causing boredom in such situations really depends; in a classroom, there is an obligation for math to be taught regardless of whether it bores students; in a debate, there is an obligation to state your position regardless of whether it disinterests opponents; and in a conversation, there can be an obligation to seek understanding, common ground, or mutual interest regardless of whether the person you’re talking to is initially bored. That latter example is most often where the appropriateness of causing boredom varies. Let’s say you want to talk about the benefits of your new diet, but the person you’re discussing it with isn’t interested. If they refuse to hear you out at all and shut you down, that’s their faux pas. If they entertain the topic for a bit and determine they’re disinterested (e.g., the diet conflicts with their own health and safety, they simply don’t find the diet worthwhile) and you persist in pushing the topic, that’s your faux pas. Maybe there’s an exception where they objectively need health tips and are in denial, but barring such exceptions the inappropriateness and resulting boredom is on you. This applies even if you’re passionate about something—you can’t force others to share your passion.
Since I am human, I am inclined to the view of someone being bored by others rather than someone boring others. As such, I have a panoply of examples in which others bored me. There are patterns in the characteristics of people who bored me. I’ve created heuristics based on these patterns—a means of mentally categorizing what to expect in interacting with people and their potential to bore me.
Sycophancy
A tendency toward agreeableness, an aversion toward disagreeableness. People who exhibit sycophancy rarely if ever challenge or reflect on what you say. This does not necessarily mean they are trying to please you or act deceitfully in their obsequiousness. A conversation sometimes is mistaken for an exercise in validation whose purpose is to simply ease discomfort (for one person, the other, or everyone). As such, sycophancy keeps conversations on a cursory, surface level (if not fake level). Being agreed with has its appeal, but it also has its limits. My rule of thumb for interacting with such people: don’t seek intellectual conversations and don’t expect to be heard.
Contrarianism
A tendency toward disagreeableness, an aversion toward agreeableness. People who exhibit contrarianism rarely if ever accept or reflect on what you say. That latter part is, interestingly, consistent with sycophancy. This also does not necessarily mean they are trying to displease you or act bluntly in their resistance. A conversation sometimes is mistaken for an exercise in challenging whose purpose is to simply solve a problem (for one person, the other, or everyone). As such, contrarianism keeps conversations on a scrutinous, complex level (if not aversive level). Being challenged has its appeal, but it also has its limits. My rule of thumb for interacting with such people: don’t seek simple conversations and don’t expect to be heard.
Superficiality
A tendency toward simplicity, an aversion toward complexity. While there is overlap with sycophancy, I consider superficiality categorically different due to such people being more comfortable challenging topics. The boring aspect of such people is straightforwardly their unexpansive or uncreative pattern in responses (and prompts (one might even call them incurious)) rather than their agreeableness. They could say, “Yes,” they could say, “No,” they could say, “I don’t know,” and in any case they typically won’t go into much (if any) more detail as to why. People who exhibit superficiality aren’t necessarily thoughtless, however they certainly aren’t offering much in the way of stimulating conversation. My rule of thumb for interacting with such people: don’t seek complex conversations nor long conversations.
Intellectualism
A tendency toward complexity, an aversion towards simplicity. While there is overlap with contrarianism, I consider intellectualism categorically different due to such people being more comfortable accepting topics. The boring aspect of such people is straightforwardly their exhaustive or pedantic pattern in responses rather than their agreeableness. Little-to-none of their responses are simple and are more often than not preludes to some form of thought challenge or lecture. My rule of thumb for interacting with such people: don’t seek simple conversations nor short conversations.
Fixedness
A tendency toward the same topics, an aversion toward different topics. This is notably different than the pattern conversations tend to have (e.g., “How are you?” “Enjoying the weather?”) as conventions like small talk and etiquette are typically appropriate and reasonable. People displaying patterns of fixated conversations tend to bring up the same topics no matter the time or place. It is understandably boring to talk about nothing else beyond the scope of such a person’s interests. My rule of thumb for interacting with such people: don’t expect much of anything beyond what they like.
Egocentrism
A tendency toward considering one’s own perspective, an aversion toward considering other perspectives. While there is overlap with fixedness, I consider egocentrism categorically different due to such people being more comfortable discussing different topics. The boring aspect of such people is straightforwardly their assumptive or neglectful pattern in responses rather than their intransigence. It can be tedious reminding such people that you are different than them and have different opinions than them. My rule of thumb for interacting with such people: don’t stray far from what they think.
Now… why are boring people on my mind? Is it because of experienced or observed exasperation with how people insufficiently interact with each other? Is it experienced or observed relationships stagnating or falling apart? Is it a humanistic concern for social potential that shapes society, or is it a sense of misanthropy that primes me to notice negative things about people? Is it all of the above? I’ll let you decide.
